Neurodivergent socialising and parallel play
How ‘spending time together’ may look different from neurotypical expectations
In the same way that neurodivergent experiences of emotions have been misunderstood (as I wrote about in a blog post a while back), it has been generally assumed that neurodivergent people are bad at socialising, because the way we spend time together may not look the same as neurotypical people. This somewhat unfortunate misunderstanding has led to the diagnostic criteria for autism being extremely negative and deficit-based around social behaviour.
However, get a group of neurodivergent people together, and it will become clear that we don’t have a deficit when it comes to being able to socialise and communicate, it’s just that we have a different way of doing it. We often don’t use the same social norms, but it doesn’t make it any less valid. In much the same way as a person can learn a second language, many of us can learn to act or speak ‘neurotypical’, but it will always be with a slight difference which will be picked up on by other people. Things that we may find difficult, such as maintaining eye contact or remembering to leave gaps for others to speak, will probably be noticed very quickly, but it does not always mean that we are unaware of them. In fact, many of us will remember our ‘social failures’ for a long time afterwards and cringe on a regular basis when we think of them.
Online friendships
Many neurodivergent people (myself included) find online communities and friendships extremely important. In my own journey towards autism diagnosis, I found many accepting groups and communities through the various Facebook groups for autistic adults. Although I may never meet any of those people in person, I have found them to be very supportive and a place for sharing and helping one another, and for learning different perspectives from all over the world. One of the benefits of the international nature of some of these groups is that we can often find that we have a common experience, even if those in our off-line lives do not understand what we are struggling with.
Many neurodivergent people find that online gaming is a good source of community. There is a very good video by Spectrum Gaming that talks about how gaming helps to create friendships, build confidence and skills such as working together, planning, and resilience through being defeated and trying again. Playing games together online also removes barriers such as the need for eye contact, and making small talk, both of which can be an issue.
NB: The NSPCC have some very helpful information about keeping young people safe online.
Collaborative activities
Online gaming isn’t the only way in which everyone, both neurodivergent and neurotypical, may join one another in working towards a common goal or interest. Examples that spring to mind include: music groups (e.g. orchestras or choirs), performing arts groups, art classes, sports teams… The thing that all of these have in common is that in a similar way to the online gaming, they do not generally involve making eye contact or making small talk. They often include a wide range of people who have a common interest.
Other activities with a collaborative element include Live Action Role-Play (LARP), and table-top games such as Dungeons and Dragons, which combines a collaborative goal, dramatic storytelling, and mathematical skills. For those who want to read more about its benefits, you may like these articles by the University of Plymouth and Australian organisation Autism Actually.
Parallel play
Aside from playing collaborative games, neurodivergent people may prefer to socialise alongside one another, in what is sometimes described as ‘parallel play’.
Here are some examples:
When my daughter was younger, we took her to the science museum to meet up with another neurodivergent child. The girls had a great time, but it was very interesting to watch them as they worked their way around the exhibits. Instead of going around together, they went off in different directions, found things they liked, and then found each other to share what they had seen. When they meet up, they frequently spend time doing things in each other’s company but without necessarily doing the same activity.
To the outsider, my family may appear rather antisocial. On a typical weekend at home, we will be in our living room, each doing different activities, sometimes with the tv on in the background. I will probably be doing a jigsaw or some puzzle book, doing crochet, or playing simple match 3 games on my phone. My husband will be playing games online or trying to solve chess puzzles (most of which seem to involve frowning at his computer screen whilst not appearing to do anything!), and our daughter will be simultaneously watching a cartoon and writing stories or drawing on her iPad. Conversation may appear to be disjointed as we each talk about the thing we are doing and don’t necessarily seem to have a back and forth conversation about the same subject. Occasionally I may even put headphones on and listen to music instead of whatever we have on in the background. I also enjoy scrolling through Facebook or playing games on my phone, and occasionally showing my family funny memes or videos I have found.
Benefits of parallel play
It sounds as if we are all completely ignoring each other, but in actual fact it is anything but. We are all introverts, all autistic, and all gain regulation and great joy from our different interests. Being in close proximity, even without apparently interacting, is very relaxing and important to us. It has a number of benefits:
We are in the same room, meaning that we are able to pause our activities and talk to each other about them if we want to share anything with each other.
In the case of my family, we can see what our daughter is looking at online as she is in the same room as us, and we only have one tv, so can keep an eye on what’s being watched and know it’s suitable.
It can feel less of a demand to pay attention to an interest one of the others is heavily into (but we are not) if we can keep our own going on in the background / can pause it and return to it after a brief conversation about the other person’s interest.
Sometimes it has led to interests being shared – e.g. our daughter is now having a go at the chess puzzles and interested in the online games. I am enjoying seeing her artwork and hearing her stories. Both my husband and daughter have enjoyed seeing my finished jigsaws, and my crochet creations have included toys and blankets which are on my daughter's bed.
Interested in knowing more about neurodivergence and socialising? Read more here:
From the NeonDaisy website:
Laura Webb is a director of NeonDaisy